Too much resentment

by Mary
(WA)

I don’t know how to explain everything in a small post but I will try. My husband and I always had a pretty good relationship—only fights were about sex—he wanted more. However when our started having children our relationship is terrible.

We had our first child and it kinda threw us through a loop—a lot of sleep issues for the first year. He didn’t do much to help for the first few months and then started having some type of regression wanting to go out on weekends with his friends. It went on a few months until we had a big talk and he stopped that for the most part. However the issue of sex became gmguge—me being exhausted and him complaining we didn’t have enough “good sex” we had many fights as I felt he didn’t help me enough at home but he always told me I needed to compromise and not have such high expectations. We were doing a bit better for awhile but then got pregnant again. This time around he was more helpful but now our youngest is 1 and he has gone back to being really
Unhelpful. We have had many different talks about and and he says he tries but nothing makes me happy. Every time we fight or argue he usually says something extremely hurtful and the next day says whatever he said he didn’t mean it that way. Unfortunately it’s still been said. It’s extremely hard for me to forget—I wouldn’t be mad all the time but I don’t forget it.
About 6 months ago I came home from a girls weekend (pre-covid) and knew he expected sex. However I was tired and wanted to go to sleep. When he asked and I said no he lost it. Told me that he was gonna leave me for a few days so I could finally get how serious our lack of good sex was. Said I needed to compromise and make myself do it because it would make our relationship fail if I didn’t. I ended up saying let’s have one day a week that would be “good” sex and that was ok for awhile. I can tell it’s not enough but it’s ok for now.

My problem is that he basically has not turned into the husband and father I thought I was marrying. He has turned mean-saying hurtful things he never would of said before. He does barely anything to help at home. He loves his kids there nothing there but he is always tired. He comes home and usually takes a nap 3-4 days a week. I just don’t feel like I have a partner. I feel like I do 90% of the work and I have so much resentment for him from the last few years.

I don’t know how to let go of it. I feel like I have expressed that I’m lonely and what I need is help from him and nothing ever changes. I’ve talked to him more than a few times, I’ve written letters trying to express myself. He sometimes tries for like a week but that’s it. He doesn’t seem to think about anyone but himself. This is very rambling but basically how do I make this relationship different.

I have always had anxiety but it came to a point that I need medication. At that time I also suggested marriage counseling and he said that we didn’t need it that I just needed t get in the medication and that would make me like him. I also feel like he does a lot of gas-lighting. Whenever we argue or I’m irritated about it something I also ended up thinking I’m being unreasonable or whatever. Anyways I’m at a loss. Any suggestions on anything would be so helpful.