Teetering on the edge of I don't know what - but I'm tired

by Angee
(Midwestern USA)

Tired. I will try to be brief. Married 20+ years. One child who is late teens now. We definitely got married too young. Husband - has always been a control freak. I cheated on him early on - 7 year itch - and got caught and he made my life absolutely miserable for 2 years, and I coped, by myself. I have since lost my entire family, other than him and my child.

I think that he has come to realize over the years - that we would be both happier people if we were apart (well the way he thinks, I'm sure its all about him being happier) - as I have known all along but never had the courage to leave- always some kind of a responsibility.

Earlier this week - he just basically got snotty with me over something stupid and my teen stuck up for me- which I never do. I have one more year before my kid is grown. Pprobably the best thing to do is bear it a little more, not have to worry about my kid, pay down a couple more bills etc. - he has never physically abused me or my kid but he's just a jerk- manipulative, controlling, inconsiderate, he cannot speak to me or my kid without making it sound like he is criticizing everything or without throwing the F-bombs, are you F-ing stupid, or speaking to us as if we are both absolutely brain-dead and he is the only one with any sense blah blah blah...

Yup, 20+ years of resentment built-up right here, so I started searching the internet and reading this week - I have gone from thinking there is something wrong with me - such as passive/aggressive - to realizing that I am an enabler, I just do not like conflict and I don't ever stand up for myself. It is really bothering me that my kid did stand up to him for me. I have never stood up for myself since I was a kid- probably something to do with my parents.

But anyway - basically I am his mother. He does no chores of any sort to help out ever. He will occasionally do some "manly" jobs if they are too much for me to handle, or I might damage one of his precious tools, but for the most part I do the yard work etc as well. My kid + kids friends all see how it goes at our house. He has activities that he likes to do all summer and usually I go - but this year I am boycotting - I do not enjoy being around his friends etc.

I am a little bit introverted, with a couple of close friends and no family of my own and I prefer my own company - he rarely has much conversation for me or my kid anyway - kid says they can't stand him period - which he never did anything to kid - including paid any attention to kid & kid knows it.

So I think if I have stood it this long, I can handle another year - and maybe do some life planning/organization etc.- Oh by the way, his friends, and my lack of friends? He will sit and do zero when he gets home from work until he gets supper in his hand and then he goes to bed. He works 12+ hour days and I also work full time & part-time to make ends meet - but I dont get the luxury of having to do nothing. Our house would be a pig pen - but he can talk for 30+ minute conversations with his friends on the phone, or if he has had a few drinks he is the life of the party and a social butterfly - but he never really has much to say to either of us.

Ha I actually made a list of the people over the years who have told me I would be better off without him- its kind of a long list at this point, and I guess all these years I have just been waiting for him to leave or for "something to happen" - and its not happening, this "life changing thing" that will get me out of this - It's like waiting all your life to win the lottery and nothing ever happens.

And now also I have no family - (talk about "on your own") and I never have been - it is a scary concept! I just - want to vent I guess - maybe some feedback please - and of course there was nothing brief about this, and I really didn't even hit the highlights!