Need Perspective and Thoughts
by Anonymous
Hello....my husband and I have been together 33 years. We have 4 children. We have both been to counseling in the past. I love my husband but I don't really like him.
He is hard working, but very self-centered, even though anyone you talk to would say he is a great guy. It has only been recently - in spite of all our counseling - I realize that a majority of our life and relationship are centered around him, his likes, what he wants, with little-to-no-inconvenience for him (even though he would lead you to believe otherwise).
I have told him that he is happy in our marriage as long as I keep my mouth shut and legs open. He denies this, of course, but it is how I feel. I have stayed in the marriage because two of our children have special needs and I did not want to create more chaos for our family by leaving. Now that our children are older I would like my husband and I to focus on working on our marriage.
When I try to express what I need, or how something he does makes me feel, it usually ends with him yelling and being the victim. I find we cannot have a constructive conversation. I cannot say anything critical to him - no matter how calmly I say it, and I cannot be emotional.
I have had two affairs while we have been married. They did get physical, but that is not what was important to me. What I really wanted was to matter to someone. I know this is wrong and there is no justification for my behavior. I sometimes think about leaving my marriage, but still feel it would inflict so much emotional pain for everyone, and I feel strongly that our family has endured enough heartache and pain due to the circumstances of our two children with special needs. I also would be shunned for breaking up our family and I don't think I could endure that.
I am wondering...do I just "keep my mouth shut and legs open" in order to stay in this marriage? And if I do that, am I justified in having an extramarital relationship (not physical) that brings me happiness? I am also wondering if anyone reading this has constructive things to tell me on what I can do to make this marriage work. Thank you very much for taking the time to read this.
Gene Kayser uses the Gottman Method Couples Therapy system with it's proven techniques & strategies for couples who want to save their relationship. This is a "nuts and bolts" approach based on 40 years of research & treatment.
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You always maintained your impartiality with us. You encouraged Rita to be more assertive in stating what she wanted to get from your counseling sessions, as well as what she wanted to get from the relationship. You taught both of us better communication between ourselves, which lead to an emotional comfort level between us that didn't exist before. You took control of the direction of the session if things were not moving along. Thanks so much for helping us." Rita and Mark |
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