Me and my lies......

by Debarati Mukherjee
(India)

Since childhood I felt unloved by my parents. As I grow older a strong need of a lover grow in me. As a result after my Bachelor Degree I connected with a woman and was very to continue that relationship. But she didn't want to continue it.

I was within myself that time. After one month one of my junior started connecting me and later I conveyed him the entire situation and my love towards that lady. From that time on I felt that he was the only one who understand me and I felt like I am being loved. Later he insist for physical relation and I was also sexually inclined and we did it three times. After two years of relationship one of my friend tell me that she was also in bed with him. later I got proof in support of her. We fought a lot and after big anxiety and trouble at least I put a full stop in the relationship.

But I couldn't take that situation from heart and with hatred for men I again started connecting females through LGBT connecting sites. There I found a person who was the admin and clearly stated me about her 13 relationships. But with a fear that if I tell her that I have been in bed with a boy, she will not accept me, I tell her lie that I was virgin. Later she asked me at least 2000 times to tell the truth. But I couldn't. After every time I come up with some truth, but not the whole.

After continuously doing this for three years I told her everything. Now it is nearly four years of our relationship. She lost believing me. And after this long three years of lying, she hit me some day ago. Yesterday I searched for that boy in facebook but I couldn't tell her. Later after checking the history of facebook she asked me about him and I tell lie that I don't know. Before this incident happened I promised her that I would not tell lie farther. But I still did. She charged me with the history and there was no answer from my end.

The situation is like that if I struggle with myself for hours still I couldn't find the courage to tell her the truth. It is happening all the time. She is in so much great pain after hearing the lies, still I am doing the same thing over and over. The day before yesterday I tried many times to tell her. But didn't get the courage. What should I do now? She has loved me like anything. I also do love her. But my lies create a huge gap between us.