Long-distance Marriage and the threats that came with it

by Mina
(Dubai, Uae)

After only 6 months of being together, my now husband and I got married and built a family. but after a year or so, we had to separate because he needed to work abroad and I needed to stay and take care of our kid. LDR is undeniably difficult - adjusting with different time zones and making sure we get the chance to video call each other.

But a few months in, my husband slowly changed. He was always out even after work, and we barely had time to talk. He rarely told me where he's going, and even did not inform his sister (who's also working abroad) of his whereabouts. And in these two months, we would frequently argue, I'd often cry and ask him what's made him so distant lately. I had to push him to talk and be open so we could try to go back to how we were before, but we just end up fighting even more every time i ask what was wrong.

After three months of trying to seek the truth of what was going on, I learned from my sister-in-law that my husband has been doing drugs. I slowly stitched the whole story that whenever he's not available to talk with, he's just with his friends doing that thing. I felt betrayed, I still do, cause it was three months of making me look like a fool, making me feel guilty as if i was at fault and i was the one with shortcomings. the situation is still very fresh, i still haven't found the heart to forgive him by breaking my trust.

i don't know how i am supposed to react and what i am supposed to do. i've had panic attacks after learning this especially when i can't get a hold of him. those three months of anxieties keep coming and i find it difficult to deal with my husband now.

how do i forgive him? i want to trust him again and maybe if i did things would go back to how it was. but i don't know how.