It doesn't really get better

When I was little, I had a few panic attacks (we're talking third grade here) and I was taken to a counselor. My mom couldn't see through this horrible-nightmare-counselor-lady and as soon as my mother left, she asked me prodding questions- the sort of stuff you don't ask a third grader- about my divorced father. She would keep rephrasing a question until she got an answer that "she wanted," which was usually trying to pit me against my dad. I would end every session bordering on tears and for a solid three years, I would make a fit anytime I had to go and cry myself to sleep for months on end after each appointment.

She didn't help my severe inattentive-type ADHD, which is becoming more and more of a problem as I'm older. All that she ever said was "take deep breaths and it will be fine."

I got old enough to realize that enough was enough, so I demanded to my mother after three years of interrogation that I wouldn't go back, ever. And I haven't gone back. I've sworn to myself to never talk to anyone about my "feelings" ever again. And ever since I was ten, I still haven't.

Now, everything's spiraling in on myself and I'm afraid to reach out again, and now it's a lot worse than panic attacks and forgetting stuff. I'll have days where I feel so sad that the only real solution is to suffocate myself with my sheets until I pass out after school. I'll have out-of-body experiences that are so downright terrifying, that all I can do is sit and wait it out, trying to make myself pass out just so that it can end.

And I've told no one.

I convince myself it's fine and that life gets better, but everything comes back if even the tiniest trigger sets me off, like someone ignoring me for only a minute, or dropping something in the hallway and playing it off as being fine, but it's really not fine and the only thing I can do is make myself faint again so I can sleep.

I can't manage the ADHD and everything else anymore- it's just a constant battle with myself every second of the day that I always loose.

It's a battle with myself that I don't think I'm able to do any longer.