I still feel guilty although forgiven
by Asyouwere
Hi,
I really need advice. M30 F29. Me (F) and my partner have been together 5 years. We love each other more than anything. I admit sometimes I let my emotions take over and I am ashamed for the way I have acted.
Last year me and my fiance had an argument I was so overwhelmed , I put my hands around his neck, both hands. I didnt squeeze or apply pressure but I dont know why I did it (this was 10 months ago). My partner and I had moved to a new area near his friends and family but 3 hours from mine, it was a joint decision but I was alone for months apart from the weekend and my mental health was suffering. No excuse I know. During this time I also shouted in my partners ear as he was ignoring me and hit him in the face with a soft pillow. I know all of this is abusive and I dont know why all of this came out when I had never been violent in our previous 4.5 years together.
My partner forgave me as he said I didnt hurt or intend to hurt him and I know that. But it still is wrong.
I kept a secret to myself for years and never told my partner until a few weeks ago. When I was 20(9 years ago) , my dad had accidentally put my college backpack on the floor with some force as it was on a chair. Long story short my laptop broke and I was hysterical, my dad wouldnt apologise or offer to pay to get it fixed. I started shouting as all my
college work was on it. He got so mad he pushed me against the wall by my neck. It didnt hurt but I was so upset, shocked and I felt threatened. It was never spoken about after that day, no apology, nothing.
The hard part in all of this is although my partner has forgiven me for grabbing his throat I cannot move past it and bring it up frequently and apologise over and over. He is getting fed up.
I cant understand how he has forgiven me when I have not been able to forgive or forget what my dad did to me. I am afraid my partner is just saying he forgives and didnt feel scared or threatened by me. I certainly felt threatened by my dad.
I am not looking to blame my own trauma on my actions towards my partner but it makes it harder to forgive myself as I had had something similar happen to me.
I know it should be irrelavant on gender but my question is , and maybe aimed at men on this forum, do men forgive an physical action like this more easily than women?
I am afraid the guilt is going to put a wedge between our otherwise loving relationship.
Any advice on this would be appreciated as I am all over the place and ashamed. It is eating me up. I forget about it then it floods back into my mind. Am I an abuser? Although I love him more than anything part of me thinks I should let him go and find someone who would never treat him like that but he doesnt want us to end over those events.