Five Years with my "First Love"

by Beeleli
(Reseda, CA,, USA)

It will be almost five years since I met this person. We were only fifteen when we first starting dating. Of course i though it was true love and maybe just maybe one day we could get married.

The first two years were perfect; everyday that we spent time together it was pure bliss. He was amazing sweet, thoughtful and very caring. There were bumps in the road of course and it was his lack of trust. He would tell me he trusted me but he didn't trust guys in general, and for that I should just avoid any guy who tried to talk to me. Like a young and naive girl, i though that was just me being a good gf, and since one day i would marry him, that it didn't matter if i didn't speak to any guys..

As the years passed however so did anger and resentment. I started to realize that it wasn't about the guys or speaking to other people, it was about the control he had over me. I did not have friends anymore because according to him when i hung out with my girl friends, we were bound to bump into guys and most likely they would convince me to talk to them. On a couple occasions I also found out that he had gone out with people and decided to keep it away from me just so I couldn't use the excuse that he did it too.

The anger and abuse would only start. Non-stop cursing, insults and even shoving was now present. My best friend had become my worst enemy and now no matter what he said or tried, i hated him, and every single time he insulted me for defending myself I hated him more. This last year has been on and off. I'd rather not see him just because it helps to avoid a fight. I don't want to cry anymore but i just can't end the relationship. I feel like I just don't have the strength to let it go.

He's called me every insult known to men. Ive been called a slut, rat, and a bitch because he thinks I'm deceiving even though i have never ever done anything for him to think that.

I'm now 19 now. I have a job. I'm a sophomore in college. I've also met someone and although i would think that the guilt would kill me, it doesn't. I have a feeling of relief whenever i feel like falling down with the sadness that relationship brings one me. I never cheated on him, however Ive been a slut the last two years. Ive learned that no matter what, i'm not perfect and we have caused too much damage .

However, he is still there and i don't know how to end. How could i let my bf go? Will I ever be able to move on?