Feeling Flustered

by BluesBaby
(Texas)

I really wasn't looking for anyone but dreaded the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, so I married my husband. He is/was a really great guy at first but things have been changing so much now, that I can't sleep most nights and I feel like I am on a constant verge of an anxiety attack.

The first thing that happened is he started making all these really racist comments about all kinds of races and demographics. I don't agree with this at all. I come from a poor family. When my parents died I was left with very very little and I didn't complain. His dad and mom both left him a lot of money, so I guess he never really knew what it was like. It really hurts me because my mom was illegal but worked very darn hard until she became ill, and I don't look down on people because of the color of their skin or what they are going through in life. He makes these comments all the time to the point it really makes me want to throw up.

Then there is this neighbor that pretty much makes googly eyes at him and when he left his phone while he mowed grass, I had a suspicion and found some texts between them where she was outright hitting on him, she even invited him over for "some distraction" while I was almost dying in the hospital from COVID.

He swears nothing happened or that he didn't go over, but he insists on remaining friends with her so much so, that he has made it a point to talk to her every single day on a group chat with me on it, kinda like rubbing it in my face their "friendship" I can't stand it. I have asked him several times to stop and he just won't.

Then there is his temper, he used to beat the animals when he lost it, take his aggression out on them I put a stop to that, I threatened to leave and took the main animal in question to a safe place and made him get counseling which he complained about still to this day as totally unnecessary.

Every time something goes wrong I can't do a darn thing right. He just twists my gut into knots as he expels his disgruntled behavior until he is satisfied or goes to bed, whichever is first.

Sex is a mythical beast between us and when it happens it lasts like 2 minutes. Every time I try to initiate it, I am made fun of, or rejected most of the time. He complains that I don't do enough with him, but doing things with him is like grinding teeth cause he ALWAYS complains and makes the ordeal so miserable that getting a root canal seems like a better option, and he goes at things half-assed, he doesn't consult professionals, he consults youtube and swears by it, which is always wrong, which ends up draining our bank account on his latest ventures. He gets upset when I spend money and makes sure I know it, for example, I go get coffee and he will text me with an angry text what the hell cost $$$ at Starbucks, when in fact I make more money than him and he eats out every day and I bring lunch to work to conserve money and only go to Starbucks once in a while. It's been ages since I got my toes, nails, or eyebrows done because he spends it faster than I can make it.

I want to go back to school, but I know right now the only way I am going to make it is if I get full funding, because I can't count on him to budget for the schooling at all. He is always putting us in grave danger of being penniless every paycheck. I am just so miserable, and I don't know what to do. My whole family expects me to fail in this marriage and I feel like I'm suffocating. I dream of finding a way to save up and move out on my own every day. I have been married now 3 times, and if I leave I don't ever want to get married again. I'm 52 now and just fed up! What do I do?