Boyfriend Doesn't Believe in Marriage and Is Not Keen About Having Children With Me

by Suzanne B.
(New York)

Hi, Everyone...

I am going to get married next month.

My boyfriend, well, he is not the kind of person who is eager about tying the knot, in his words, "It makes no difference whether we are married or not. I will still love you and respect you and I want to be with you, with or without marriage. It is just a piece of paper, a dumb formality." I was actually, strangely, quite happy about this marriage, even though I am aware that my boyfriend and I are going to do it because there really isn't any other way that allows me to stay longer in the country. Complex bureaucracy system.

But recently I have been questioning this choice and my feeling just grows more bitter day after day. He showed little interest in preparing the necessary documents and in getting informed about the marriage procedures. I confronted him twice, and the second time I really exploded. I can see that he sincerely loves me, but I can't understand his lack of interest. I keep asking myself, "If he really loves me, then why doesn't he pay just a little extra attention on this issue that involves both of us?" He was aware that we didn't really have that much time and bureaucracy on the other hand was really time-consuming.

I understand the financial situation doesn't allow us to celebrate the wedding and so there is no plan for wedding rings, a dress, a suit, or even a hand bouquet. Nothing. But I could have settled for that if only he had shown a little extra attention. I would cherish the marriage, even if I'd be dressed-up in pajamas or sportswear or whatever. I love him, that's all that matters.

And sometimes ago a conversation led him to open up that he wasn't very enthusiast about the idea of having another child. He already has two from his previous relationships. Well, I have none, I am in my thirties, and of course I desire to have children... It was like a thunder in the middle of a sunny day... At the beginning of our relationship, we talked about having kids and there was no objection from him... Now he came up with the talks about not being very keen of having to "repeat" it all over again, that he wished he could travel around the world, and all other projects but another child.

Now I don't know what to feel. I only feel hurt. He did apologize, it wasn't his intention, and that he was under a planet of stress. He has now been trying to "fix" everything, but I feel like I have been swallowing too many bitter pills that now I am overdosed and I can't overcome the negative effects. Whatever he does is never good enough for me.

I don't want to feel like this, I hate myself for being this cynical, but I can't help it. I want to believe that I can have a happy future with him, that it is something attainable, but it feels like I'm the only one fantasizing about everything here... I have even thought about going to the fertility clinic to freeze my oocytes so I won't hang myself in case I will happen to waste my remaining fertile years with him...

:-((((((((((((

Help meeeeeeeeeeee...