BF loves me (really), but doesnt want to ever get married :(

by Wants To Wed

I have been in an exclusive relationship with my BF of 3 yrs, who is a wonderful man to me. He loves me dearly, as I do him. He has made me a part of his life and of his family, (parents, siblings, children ages 17 and 22.)


He was married previously for 15 yrs, and divorced for 10 yrs now. He was in one serious relationship after that, and before me, for a couple of years. She left him because she gave him an ultimatum: "marry me or else". He said "no", and told her he never wanted to marry again.

Then he and I met and have been together ever since. I would like to marry this man one day, but as I said, this man doesn't want to ever get married again. Not even to me. My reasons for wanting to marry, are that I want that daily togetherness, and the security marriage (was meant to mean).

I have been married before, which was a particularly bad experience, 10 yrs ago. Now, I'm ready to have the kind of marriage I have always wanted. My BF and I spend weekends together, occasional weekdays, and all holidays together. But I feel sad and lonely sometimes, when he is not with me, and I feel that this far into our relationship, I shouldn't have to be alone this way.

Now, please don't think I'm needy or anything. I have plenty to do. My life is full with my job and child. However, it's that I feel that my BF and I, haven't followed the natural course of our relationship to its potential. We have spoken about living together next year, but it bothers me that I feel that he may feel pressured to even do that. He has never given me a reason for not wanting to ever marry again. I have asked, but he's never really been able to explain himself.

I cant see myself without this man. We are so compatible in many ways, and do love and respect each other . We are happy in every other way, except for this difference between us.

I don't want to change him. I accept him for who he is. But how can I make us both happy at the same time?

Comments for BF loves me (really), but doesnt want to ever get married :(

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Jan 15, 2022
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Is marriage really a necessity?
by: Anonymous

When my lover and I have been together for 20 blissfully, un-legally bound yrs and have 2 beautiful children. The first few years we were put under a lot of pressure from both our families to get married and our relationship became strained as a result. However, by then we were already living together, had joint accounts and everything else that defines a marriage except for the piece of paper legally binding us together. In our eyes and in the eyes of God, we are married. Just not in the eyes of the Government and you know what, I am perfectly fine with that. This way, my debt remains mine, his debt remains his, we have all the benefits of a married couple, and none of the drawbacks. Now, I'm not saying that what works for us will work for everyone, maybe just consider whether or not marriage is really needed and if so, why? Is it because of pressure from outside influences or because that's what we've always been taught is the only "logical" next step in a relationship. Or perhaps you just want the security and reassurance that your partner won't be able to just up and leave you one day, at least not easily. Speaking for myself, it was a combination of all three. Though now, when I think about it, it feels much more genuine to be faithful and devoted to someone by choice rather than by contractual obligation. However, as with anything, there's a certain degree of risk involved which is when you have to decide whether or not it's safe to put your faith and trust in your partner. I did, and it was scary but so far, it's worked out pretty well
Aug 20, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		You can only make yourself happy
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry to hear you both are just not on the same page when it comes to what you each want out of your relationship.

While you have invested much time (3-years) at this point, thinking perhaps with time, he would see things your way . . . you took a gamble and lost.

You understandably yearn for the "togetherness" of the marriage arrangement. What woman happy and in love with her man would not want the same thing?

Do not spend any more precious time hoping he will see things your way. He told you from the get go, HE NEVER WANTS TO MARRY EVER AGAIN. Honest, on the level guys, usually say what they mean.

Move on and find the "whole package", find the man out there wanting the SAME commitment as yourself, YOU DESERVE that. IT IS POSSIBLE . . . I DID IT!!!

GOOD LUCK TO YOU DEAR!

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Relationship and Counseling Forum.

Eugene Kayser Marriage Therapist

Gene Kayser uses the Gottman Method Couples Therapy system with it's proven techniques & strategies for couples who want to save their relationship. This is a "nuts and bolts" approach based on 40 years of research & treatment.

For a free 20 minute consultation, Call or Text:

(215) 813-8633
"You gave us counseling without making either one of us feel that you were taking sides.
You always maintained your impartiality with us. You encouraged Rita to be more assertive in stating what she wanted to get from your counseling sessions, as well as what she wanted to get from the relationship.
You taught both of us better communication between ourselves, which lead to an emotional comfort level between us that didn't exist before.
You took control of the direction of the session if things were not moving along.
Thanks so much
for helping us."

Rita and Mark

If you would like to receive the Couples Guide Newsletter containing articles on relationships, please sign up below.


Visit  The Relationship Forum  to get and give advice on your relationship issues.

If you're struggling with your relationship, this is the place to talk about it!
Our counselors will answer your questions.
And you, our readers, can offer advice from your experience.