Am I doing the right thing

by Jon
(New Jersey )

So I’m 34 years old , my as of wife still is 42. We met at a bar n about year n half later got married..nothing was special about it. i instantly regretted ..we got married in a court house instead of a traditional wedding I wish I had done w her.. got married and shortly after held an affair on another woman for a year she found out and it kept going ..

my wife got pregnant n at the time I was on parole , meanwhile my wife was a lawyer at the time..I went away for a violation for drinking , something so stupid should of never warranted that consequences..however it did..I went away to a half way..n instead of accepting being there in a way I could I looked at all the things I was missing and neglecting her, I have very bad coping mechanisms obviously! I instead decided to remain speaking w the one I had a affair w all the while she was pregnant..

just when you think what a a$$hole, sadly it gets even worse ..I was going to get picked up by her cause I just knew she would never forgive me and thus didn’t even try..instead I got picked up by her n saw my beautiful son..I then went home for 2 weeks n in all my depression of seeing the clear damage I have done to her repeatedly, I just couldn’t spare to see the hurt , anger , disappointment I have created In the woman that saw no wrong w me and had loved me so much.

Well I left and in the process cheated got hooked on drugs , I just didn’t want to acknowledge the truth I have created , I chose to continually tear myself n those around me down.

On n off for 3 1/2 years and my wife has been very close w my relapses..she’s smart , but the big thing is I have a strong hold on my recovery and future such but through all this I have accused her of cheating etc which I know she has lied to me about things but she can argue anything..fact is she has lead me to believe we could work on things while her life goes on, I have tore myself down to a part I don’t even know myself any more..in the past I have tried to leave saying I need to do it , I told her if u care let me go cause this is killing me and a lot of my relapses come from those inner “pos” feelings . There’s so much in question it’s unreal .

I write this to give alil back story to it but up to date on today..I’m about to walk out on a 3 1/2 year old son and my gonna be ex wife ..three a lot of manipulating n such that has initially come from my own actions , I’m a pos but I know it’s just I don’t know how to handle thing correctly but I’ve come to a point it’s either walk save sanity save sobriety or risk being with someone that I truly feel wants to see me fall all the while acting like she doesn’t ..she was a great girl and still is I’m sure outside my company ..I don’t trust her at all she doesn’t trust me at all given, there’s no planning ever she never wants to discuss feelings which is odd for a woman .

It’s a lot..but past times I have been guilted I’m giving up on her when she’s trying to work on things. When asked why she’s still there cause she is I’m told , no real explanation no real answer just generic crap as far as I’m concerned.

I just don’t know if it’s all worth it cause at the end of the day her life n my sons life is shaded I’m given the pieces she wants to share anyways ..I feel leaving kid n all is not honorable thing by any means, however I do believe there another man that has been there for both all the while but of course told otherwise ..OF COURSE ..

I’m very close , I’ve actually already decided to just put miles between us..I know it’s risking a lot on maybe never seeing him again..My BIGGEST thing is , anytime I’m away for whatever latest was work..he acts very standoffish lil time in no matter few days or not..n I feel that is unnatural considering the love shared between us..n in some way is couched that way:.idk really what to think but in the end is it really worth being there when the world around doesn’t want u there and doesn’t want u in ur sons life but the type of people that won’t say that for who would actually say that..a lot of fakeness and I need to focus on myself I now at least feel I’m doing the right thing, am I?

Any input may shed light on something I’m missing ..how do you co parent w someone that inside doesn’t want to but is so afraid to express inner feelings as to that for “curb appeal” reasons ty